My neighborhood seems eerily quiet for a Thursday afternoon. I hear no hum of mowers, none of the usual noise from my neighbor’s workshop, or laughter from the children next door. The normal flow of traffic has trickled to an occasional car. Only my windchimes break the silence. For many of us, life as we once knew it has come to a screeching halt as COVID-19 continues to plague our nation. With limited work, travel, shopping, and even communication with family and friends, this can be an extremely lonely time for us as widows.

Even though we have smart phones and computers and can Facetime, text or call, we may feel isolated and disconnected. Our previously busy lifestyles that included daily interaction with others is no longer possible. Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy said, “The impact of social isolation and loneliness on longevity equals that of smoking 15 cigarettes a day and exceeds the risks associated with obesity, excessive alcohol consumption and lack of exercise.” Alarming!

Dr. Caroline Leaf, a communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist says, “For individuals facing difficulties in their lives (i.e. everyone), isolation can be lethal. … Supportive relationships allow us to persevere through hard times.”

As widows, we have personal experience with the effects of loneliness and loss of relationship. We don’t need a COVID-19 psychology specialist or counselor to explain to us the symptoms of loneliness. We know what it’s like to walk into an empty house and hear absolute silence. It’s frightening when we first realize we’re alone. Even the sounds of the ice maker seem strange. One time I awakened by what I thought was frightening noises and soon learned it was my growling stomach. All of us as widows have experienced something similar. We have walked through or are learning to deal with all the changes that widowhood brings.

I don’t want to forget some of you who are young widows with children and are the sole breadwinner. Possibly you are without your bi-weekly paycheck and wondering how you will buy groceries. Maybe you’re trying to work from home while three children clamor for your attention or seek help with their online schoolwork.  While others are lonely, you would like to have just one minute of peace. I hear you. But you too may be feeling lonely. No one is there to help you bear your burdens, have an adult conversation, or encourage you by a gentle touch or kiss. Loneliness may be your companion too.

How can we deal with this new normal? How can we help others or show how much we care while practicing social distancing?  These suggestions may not apply to everyone, but possibly one or two can help.

• Plan your day’s schedule so you feel you’ve accomplished something. (This article was on my list today.)
• Include extended times for prayer and Bible study.
• Participate in your church online services and times of devotion.
• Study what the Bible says about plagues and global pandemics. Here’s a link from Joel Rosenberg, author and speaker:

https://www.joshuafund.com/learn/news-article/what_does_the_bible_teach_about_pestilence_plagues_and_global_pandemics

• Stay in touch with family and friends through technology.
• Make a list of people to check on.
• Include exercise in your daily routine.
• Plan fun activities with the children, i.e. cookie or candy making, craft projects.
• Tackle projects you have been putting off.
• Take a virtual online trip to a vacation spot, museum, or nation. Even the children would like this.
• Watch a movie together.
• Start your spring cleaning. (This sounds like too much work.)
• Access an online course of something you would like to learn.
• Set aside time for Sabboth rest.

Life is certainly different now, but we can stay in touch and keep our minds active. Isaiah 26:3 has been a significant verse to me since young adulthood: “You (God) keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

I was greatly encouraged when I saw a February 26 photo of the Coronavirus Task Force opening their daily meeting in prayer. Many people, however, criticized the group for participating in such an “ignorant superstition.”  The media were especially brutal in reporting the negative reactions. One person said, “Vice President Pence thinks the virus will magically go away with prayer.” A prominent TV personality even criticized Pence’s appointment as head of the Coronavirus Task Force. The woman quipped, “He doesn’t believe in science. Why was he appointed?” She surmised that people who believe in prayer dismiss science and are inadequate leaders in a time of crisis.

As imperfect and limited human beings, we must recognize our utter dependence on God, especially when circumstances are against us. He alone is “our refuge and strength, a present help in time of trouble” (Psalm 46:1). Prayer is our daily communication with Him. We have the privilege of sharing our deepest concerns without ridicule or accusations. But we also believe that God gives wisdom to doctors, researchers, and scientists.  When we need a physical miracle, we consult God first and then ask God to lead us to a good physician who can answer our questions and help us explore a solution.

In some instances, we have little or no control over a situation, and only God can resolve the issue. This was true for Jehoshaphat, the king of Judah. In 2 Chronicles 20, we are told that men came to the king to report that a great army of Moabites and Ammonites were coming to destroy Jerusalem. Since he was a righteous man, the king called for the people to pray and fast. In his public prayer, Jehoshaphat acknowledged God’s sovereignty and reminded God of His promises to the nation. Then he confessed their helplessness: “O our God…we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you” (2 Chronicles 20:12). After a time of praise and worship the people returned to their homes.

So, did God help Jehoshaphat? Absolutely! The next day, the king appointed worship leaders to go before the army. While they were on their way to the battlefield, the Moabites and Ammonites began to fight each other. By the time Judah’s army arrived, they found only dead bodies. God had taken care of their problem.

Whether it’s a national crisis like the Coronavirus or a personal crisis, we have the privilege of crying out to God as Jehoshaphat did: We don’t know what to do, Lord, but we are looking to You for answers. Give us wisdom. Lead us in the right path. Show us what to do.

If you are in the middle of a personal crisis, tell God that you’re helpless and ask for His intervention. He does have answers. Prayer and praise are powerful weapons against anything that confronts us.

“I tell you, do not worry about your life.”

The hustle of the holidays is over. We’ve made our New Year’s resolutions (and broken one or two already), and winter’s cold days have arrived.  As I watched yesterday’s snow, I couldn’t help but smile. The birds at my feeders were having a wonderful time. Male and female cardinals, tufted titmice, snowbirds, a woodpecker or two, yellow and red finches, and even a dove shared the bounty.

In thinking about this, I was reminded of a Scripture from the Sermon on the Mount: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…” (Matthew 6:25). In the next verse, Jesus talks about the birds and how God provides for them. But he also asked the people a question: “Are you not much more valuable than [the birds].”

I must admit that I’ve done my share of worrying, especially as a widow. How is that bill be paid? Why did that have to break? When is that problem going to be solved? How long will this last? Why did that happen? Jesus tells me that worry is not profitable: “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (v. 27). In the same chapter, Jesus talks about the flowers of the field (vs. 28-34). Since they are clothed more beautifully than Solomon, we shouldn’t worry about clothing.

With all the problems that widows face, how can we stop worrying? It’s certainly not easy. Sometimes it seems to me that the more I try to stop worrying, the more I worry.

Jesus gives us answers to help us stop our endless cycle of worry. He tells us that faith is important (v. 30). The writer of Hebrew describes faith as “being sure of what we hope for and certainly of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). When we lay a problem before the Lord in prayer, we must believe that God has heard us and that He is going to take care of it.

Jesus also told the people that day that God knows our needs (v. 32). With about 7.7 billion people in the world, it’s difficult for us to believe that God knows us personally and our needs are important to Him. But Jesus also said that even a sparrow doesn’t fall to the ground without the Father knowing (Matthew 10:29).

God’s knowledge is vast—more than we can fathom. He knows our needs and wants to supply them. Our Milky Way has at least 100 billion stars. The Psalmist David tells us that God has numbered and named the stars (Psalm 147:4). If He has done this, certainly He knows my needs and can provide them.

Jesus reminds us that we are to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you” (v. 33). What does this mean? Jesus was asking the people to focus on a relationship with God through prayer, worship, and reading of His Word. While food, clothing, and shelter are important, these things do not ultimately satisfy. Only our relationship with the Living God has eternal value.

God’s Word tells me that I can trust Him. He feeds the birds and gives beauty to the flowers, He can definitely meet all of my needs this coming year.

 

 

 

Recently when chatting with a friend about her grief journey, I was reminded again how very differently each of us process grief. Some widows go through the stages quite systematically; others drift in and out of each stage many times. A few widows I’ve known pass through one stage quickly but take months, even years, to process a different stage. I believe, however, that most of us pass through grief spasmodically. We think we have processed our pain, but months later we realize we have not dealt with a certain phase quite as well as we thought.

The stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—have been studied and written about for nearly four decades. Now David Kessler, an authority on grief, and famed psychiatrist Elizabeth Kuber-Ross are including a sixth stage—finding meaning—in their new book, which will be released this September. The book will share the benefits of remembering our spouse with more love than pain. I’m sure it will help us to understand the grief process more.

It’s important to continue learning about the ways grief affects us, but it’s also beneficial to share with other widows our grief journeys. This helps to solidify the progress we’ve made, and at the same time encourages other widows to be transparent about their challenges.

While I was taking courses on counseling about 10 years before my husband’s death, the professor told me that I had already been dealing with the grief process. He was right, although I had not realized it. At the time Tony was coping with end-stage renal disease. He lived longer than doctors thought possible, but the diagnosis was terminal.

After his death I was certain I was ready for the acceptance stage. He had been ill for many years; hadn’t I dealt with denial, anger, and bargaining? Now it was time to build a new life and forget the past pain. But I was wrong! A friend was honest enough to tell me that I had not dealt with many phases of Tony’s illness and death. We had been a young married couple with two children under age three when he became sick, and his illness radically changed our present and our future. In many ways, I had denied my emotional pain while dealing with his physical challenges. This helped me survive all of those years of struggle, but now the pain had to be faced.

I had to deal with the deep disappointment of what could have been had Tony been healthy. Other widows must confront challenges they perceive only occurred because their husbands died young. One widow shared with me, “I stood at his gravesite years after his death and said, ‘I’m angry. This would not have happened if you had been here to help me.’”

Depression, considered the fourth stage of grief, is overwhelming for some widows. A sense of helplessness, emptiness, loneliness, and loss of control often accompany or define this phase. Life is meaningless; the bed is empty; the house seems too large. Cooking and then eating alone are grueling. A widow said, “I can’t eat by myself at a restaurant. Everyone is looking at me with pity.” This probably was not true, but this was how she felt, and those emotions are valid.

I can’t think of anyone who expresses grief better than the Psalmist David. He cried out, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” (Psalm 13:1). In Psalm 71, David tells us he had seen many bitter troubles. But David also declared, “He [God] heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm147:3).

This grief process is arduous, but God will see us through each stage regardless of the time it takes us to process every hurt, every disappointment, every angry feeling, every sorrow, or each lonely moment.

A widow friend shared with me yesterday that she desperately misses having conversations with her husband. I knew him as an intelligent man, who listened carefully to others and spoke with wisdom. So I could certainly understand her heartache. “Sharing with friends is good, but they are not always around,” she said. I agreed with her. Our husbands were companions with whom we could discuss ideas or air those “just thinking” moments that were even off the wall. We might get a raised eyebrow, a teasing comment, or comical laugh, but they were listening even at the most inopportune moments.

My friends are fabulous; our conversations are uplifting, encouraging, insightful. I sincerely appreciate every one of them and don’t know what I would do without them. But I don’t make breakfast on Saturday morning in my pjs with them while we discuss the national news. I don’t invite them to my home, ask them to bring a book or a magazine to read while I also enjoy reading and just feel comfortable in their presence without a word passing between us. As much as we love and trust our friends, sometimes it’s not even appropriate to share personal family details or our children’s needs that we would have shared with our husbands.

I’m not sure I would describe this part of widowhood as loneliness, but it’s certainly a new state of being with different parameters, guidelines, and limitations. The adjustments seem to magnify our loss.

So what do we do? How do we compensate?

I know no other answer than to ask the Lord to fill those empty holes in our lives and help us to be content in this new state. This does not come overnight or without mistakes. Many years ago as a new widow, I expected too much from a friend and almost lost that relationship.

Talk to the Lord as a friend about everything. You don’t need to be concerned about framing your words properly or using just the right phrase. Tell Him if you’re angry or disappointed. Share with Him your questions, concerns, sadness, joys, and achievements. Then listen for His response, His answer, His still, small voice. He may guide you to a particular Scripture or bring to your mind one that you have memorized. This may sound crazy to you, but after going through an especially difficult time of struggle, I sensed the Holy Spirit saying, I’m proud of you. During a different challenging time, I sensed the Lord saying, Do you trust Me? The Lord does know how to speak to us.

I cannot explain how the God of the Universe can listen to each of us as we pour out our hearts to Him. But His abilities are beyond our comprehension. As Scripture teaches us, He is the all-powerful, all-knowing God, full of wisdom and understanding. He knows our needs even before we ask. Bringing our concerns to Him does not deplete or frustrate Him, or drain His energy. We honor Him though our constant conversations with Him.

I’ve been reminded lately of that wonderful Scripture in Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your on understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

This is my first Mother’s Day without a mother. Possibly the same is true for you, and you’ve been thinking about the life principles she taught you and how she influenced your thinking. Maybe you’re like one of my friends who said she sees her mother every time she looks in a mirror. That’s certainly true for me. Sometimes I’m amazed when my actions resemble hers. I wonder how that is possible since I did not live near her after my college days.

Both of my parents were strong Christians and taught my siblings and me the importance of God’s Word and the church. Both were musicians and gave us an appreciation for music. But my sisters and I agree that Mom gave us a love for cooking, nice clothes, flowers, and books. We miss her and still honor her in our thoughts. But since dementia marred her last few years, we are glad she is in heaven and completely well.

For some of you, this annual day of celebration may be difficult because your mother was abusive, emotionally or physically ill, or simply not a positive role model. You could never seemingly please her or sensed you were more of a burden than a joy. Her negative words instilled a sense of shame and worthlessness. Now as an adult, you find it difficult to think about honoring her. Even joining others to remember their mothers stirs up feelings of anger, guilt, isolation and sadness—feelings of I don’t belong at this celebration.

Although you have been greatly hurt, forgiveness toward your mother is essential. You do not have to pretend she was good or excuse her bad behavior, but for your emotional, mental, and spiritual health, forgiveness is the only way toward wholeness. Dr. Richard Dobbins, a Christian psychologist, said, “The forgiving process is like peeling an onion. The layers come off one at a time and you cry a lot.” This difficult task may take months, even years, but it’s worth the effort.

One widow friend has never had children; another friend’s only child died at birth; and another is experiencing the pain of both widowhood and estrangement from her children. While these precious women celebrate for others, Mother’s Day for them reminds them of unfulfilled dreams, disappointments, and regret. We must acknowledge that this day does not bring joy for everyone.

Whatever Mother’s Day represents for you—whether you feel honored or neglected, remember that God looks at you as His child, and He has always had a good plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11). You are accepted and treasured, not because you are beautiful, wealthy, brilliant, or talented, and not even because you are a mother. You are valued because you are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). You are blessed, chosen, and adopted into His family through the death and resurrection of Christ (Ephesians 1:3-9).

May this Mother’s Day bring you joy in knowing that God loves you and that you are His treasure (I John 3:1a).

 

This past Saturday morning I heard what seemed like something tapping on the side of my home. I soon discovered that a major building project was in progress. The robins were making a nest over the lamp at my back door. The bird’s wings and feet generated the noise as the female carefully constructed a round nest of twigs, mud, grasses and even pieces of cloth and string to prepare for the eggs.

The robins have chosen the protection of the eaves of my home and warmth of the light for two years. When I examined last year’s project after the birds left, I realized how amazing it was. Where did the robins get a blueprint for the intricate project? Who taught the birds how to construct the nest? Where did they find the pieces of string and small cloth strips that protected the eggs from the sharp edges of the twigs?

Of course, the Internet had some interesting information. I learned that, although the male robin helps to collect the materials, the female robin weaves together most of the 350 twigs and grasses that are about 6 inches long. These are held together with hundreds of beakfuls of mud. What a construction project! The birds did not attend college classes on architecture. They can’t read a blueprint or write a “how to” manual for the next generation of robins either. I knew that only our Creator God gave the birds this instinctive ability.

I was reminded of two Scriptures as I thought about the birds’ project. The one is very familiar. Matthew quotes Jesus as saying, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Matthew 10:29-31). At Creation, God gave those small robins unique construction abilities and the capacity to know the right place to build. Why? Simply because He created them and cares for them. We too are God’s creation, and His care for us as widows far exceeds His concern for the robins. If He provides food and a place of shelter and safety for them, certainly He will do that for us.

The second Scripture is from Hebrews. The writer quoted Jeremiah when he said, “This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds,” (Hebrews 10:16 and Jeremiah 31:33). Jeremiah was saying that a day would be coming when God’s laws would not simply be written on a stone or a scroll, but God’s Word would be within us. The unknown writer of Hebrews is telling us that the day has arrived. Through accepting Christ as our Savior and then developing a relationship with God through His Word, the Holy Spirit can speak to us.

Right now you’re probably thinking, How do those Scriptures have anything to do with the birds? Well, I believe God’s Word can be in us as instinctive as the robins innately build their nests. If we study and memorize God’s Word, the Holy Spirit can bring to our minds those promises that God has given us. When we face difficulties—and as widows we face many, Scriptures that give us direction, strength, help, wisdom, courage, and even protection will come to our minds to replace fear, worry, doubt, and anxiety.

When we see birds’ nests this year, I hope we can remember God’s great care and how much He desires to meet our needs. May we desire to know God’s Word and claim His promises to carry us through our challenging days.

Since all of us are finite humans, we can never say we’ve always kept our word. I’ve failed many times to keep a promise because I simply forgot. I have committed to pray, to pass on a message, or to help with a project, and I had good intentions, but I failed. It’s embarrassing to admit that we’ve let down a friend or family member. We learn in God’s Word that God is very different from us: He always keeps His promises.

Luke 1:37, which is part of the Christmas story, is a very powerful verse. As a child hearing the King James Version of the Bible, I learned “For nothing is impossible with God.” One of the more modern translations says, “For no word from God will ever fail” (NIV). All we need to do is to look at the historical record to prove that this is true concerning the birth of Christ.

The account begins in Genesis 49 with Jacob blessing his sons. Verse 10 says, “The scepter will not depart from Judah, nor the ruler’s staff from between his feet, until he comes to whom it belongs.” Matthew 1 traces the lineage of Jesus from Abraham to Jacob and then to Judah, Jacob’s fourth son.

About 700 years before the birth of Christ, Isaiah prophecied, “Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel.” Matthew 1:18 and Luke 1:26-37 tell us that Mary was a virgin when Jesus was conceived.

Jeremiah prophecied that the Messiah would come from the line of David. “The days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will raise up to David a righteous Branch, a King who will reign wisely and do what is just and right in the land” (Jeremiah 23:5). Once again we look to Matthew 1 and realize that Jesus’ lineage is traced through David.

Micah, a contemporary of Isaiah, says, “Bethlehem Ephrathah, you are one of the smallest towns in Judah, but out of you I will bring a ruler for Israel, whose family line goes back to ancient times” (Micah 5:2). Because of Caesar Augustus’ taxation decree, Joseph and Mary traveled to Bethlehem, Joseph’s hometown, to comply with the law. Jesus was born while they were there. Even the chief priests and teachers of the Old Testament Law recognized that the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem (Matthew 2:3-6). The Wise Men traveled there and found the Christ Child.

Scholars have calculated that God’s Word has between 3,000 and 6,000 promises. Some of those apply to us as widows. I especially like Isaiah 54:4-5: “Do not be afraid, you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is his name.” Many times I’ve said, Lord, You are my husband and I need You to take care of this. His answers may not come as quickly as I think they should, but HE is a good husband to me, listening when I cry for help or wisdom and caring for my needs.

If God gave specific promises for the birth of Christ and then fulfilled them, certainly we can count on Him to fulfill His promises to us as widows.

Much of our world has forgotten that today – October 31 – commemorates a significant event for those of us who are Protestants. Five hundred and one years ago (1517), a courageous Martin Luther nailed a document – his 95 Theses – on the castle church door in Wittenberg, Germany. His declaration began the debate that would become the Protestant Reformation.

As Luther, a former law student tuned monk, studied Scripture, he realized the Church had strayed from the teachings of the Bible. He did not intend to divide the Roman Church. He simply wanted leaders to return to the authority of Scripture. Through greed, arrogance, and church corruption, church leaders had substituted God’s inerrant Word for man’s ideas, doctrines, and decrees. People had been led to believe that good works and giving to the Church could secure their and their loved ones’ eternal destinies. Luther, however, rediscovered a basic principle found in both the Old and New Testaments: “… the righteous will live by faith” (Romans 1:17). (See other Scriptures below.) Finally he was forced to choose the gospel over man’s laws and was excommunicated from the Church in 1721.

Luther realized that the common person – not just the priests – needed to know God’s Word. He translated the Latin Scriptures into German so that any literate person could study the Bible for himself. Many people, however, could not read, so Luther and several of his followers wrote hymns to teach God’s Word. These paraphrased the Psalms, taught doctrine, and celebrated special occasions such as Christmas and Easter. Luther loved to sing and introduced congregational singing as part of worship, and the first Reformed hymnal was produced in 1529.

Today we look back on those days in the 16^th century with great joy as we realize that Luther and many others paved the way and sacrificed much so that we can enjoy reading Scripture and worshiping in our own language.

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And he (Abraham) believed the Lord, and he (God) counted it to him as righteousness (Gen.25:6).

…but the righteous shall live by his faith (Habakkuk 2:4).

 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith” (Romans 1:17).

 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast (Ephesians 2:8-9).

 

 

 

Americans have been celebrating Labor Day for 124 years, but much has changed since the holiday’s inception. In 1894 the average American laborer was male. Today 47% of the U.S. labor force is female. Although I have no statistics to support my supposition, I would suspect that a good percentage of that number is widowed since the average age of widows is 55. And, believe it or not, 75% of women will be widowed by that age. Amazing!

Our young widows with children especially need a day of rest since they are overworked. She is responsible for being mother and father; caring for all the household and family chores; being the breadwinner and financial planner; and bearing all the family emotional burdens. Add all of this to a 40-hour workweek, and fatigue becomes a daily companion. The young widow certainly needs our help and prayer for strength and endurance.

A positive change since the late 1800s is that widows today have more expendable income. Even 60 years ago, 30% of widows in the United States lived in poverty, as compared to about 10% of married couples. By 1990, that number dropped to 20%. Because of the increase in women’s education and women in the workforce, about 13%-15% of widows live in poverty today. Researchers predict that this number will continue to decrease, as women are less dependent on their husbands’ incomes.

I am grateful to live in the United States and have the privilege of working. About 50% percent of widows live in poverty in other parts of the world. While our lives are not easy, we have much for which to be grateful.

One of my favorite Old Testament stories is found in 2 Kings 4:1-7. A widow tells the prophet Elisha that she has no money and her two sons are about to be sold into slavery. He says, “What do you have in your house?”

“Only a little oil,” she responds.

He instructed her to ask her neighbors for lots of empty jars. “Go in your house, shut the door, and begin pouring the oil into the jars,” he said. The oil did not stop flowing until every jar was full. “Go,” he said. “Sell the oil, pay your bills, and you will have enough left over to live on.”

What a miracle provision! I think of my work as God’s miraculous provision. He is, as the Old Testament says, Jehovah Jireh–my Provider. I believe that what God did for that Old Testament widow in poverty and what He has done for me, He will do for you.