A friend and I were talking recently about the difficulty we have as widows in making decisions. Her husband died about nine months ago, so this journey is rather new for her. She said, “I always felt confident in decision making, but it’s different now. What’s wrong?” As we talked further, it became apparent that she had lost her sounding board.

I remember my first large financial decision about two or three months after my husband’s death. I discovered termites in one of the large trees in the back yard. Even the trunk was unhealthy. Knowing this would be my first significant financial decision as a widow, I wanted to get it right. So I called three tree removal companies and made appointments for them to see the diseased tree. We discussed what needed to be done and each gave me written estimates. Gingerly I chose the one company and signed a contract. I wish I could tell you that everything turned out well, but the man did not complete the work as promised.

I made several mistakes: I didn’t ask friends for advice or recommendations. I didn’t check if he was certified and bonded. I didn’t ask him for a list of other work he had done; nor did I call the Better Business Bureau. I relied on his impressive ad in the Yellow Pages and his imposing large trucks that I saw around the city. I can’t remember if I followed the directions in James 1:5: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” It’s certainly true that we learn by our mistakes.

Making big decisions is rarely easy. Assessing the problem, gathering information, and listing and analyzing the pros and cons are not problematic. It’s setting aside fears, taking that last step, and trusting our ability to choose wisely. In her book, A Doctor in the House, Candy Carson says that she and Dr. Ben Carson discuss the situation and then ask themselves four questions when making big decisions. (Let’s suppose we’ve been offered the opportunity to take a job in a new state.)

1. What is the worse thing that can happen if I move.
2. What is the worst thing that can happen if I don’t move.
3. What is the best thing that can happen if I move.
4. What is the best thing that can happen if I don’t move.

I like these questions. We can also think about what we would tell a friend if she had this decision to make.

Articles on decision making often say to “trust your intuition.” To me, this means that if I don’t have peace about a decision, I should say no. A couple years ago, I was asked to teach again in Romania, but I had no peace about going. Months after I said no, I learned that the situation would have been very difficult.

The best advise in decision making comes from a wise Old Testament man: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Prov. 3:5,6).

About a year ago, I met a 95-year-old widow who was still mowing her yard, driving her car to places near her home, and teaching a Bible class for seniors at her church. We laughed as she told people that her birthday gift from friends was a new mower. Amazed at her agility and quick whit, I asked what attributed to her health. With decided assurance, she responded, “Clean living.”

Last week I was introduced to a woman and was shocked to learn that she would be 100 years old her next birthday. To me, her face gave the appearance of someone about 80 years old. Her walking was in no way impaired, and she was as articulate as any 40-year-old. Her conversation with others revealed that she enjoyed a vigorous life and had significant friendships. To say I was impressed is an understatement.

In the past few days, I’ve thought much about these women and the obstacles they have overcome to reach this milestone. Genealogy in Time magazine reports that about 1 in 6,000 people live to be 100 years old, and of the centenarians, 80% are widows. But few people actually experience the vitality of these two women.

Think of the phenomenal changes they have seen. They survived in a time when infant mortality rates were high. Women couldn’t even vote until 1920. They have lived through the Great Depression and numerous wars, including two world wars. When they were young, most homes, at least in rural America, did not have indoor plumbing, and only the wealthy could afford a washing machine, car, or camera. Much of our modern technology that we take for granted was in its infancy.

The two women have seen the inauguration of 17 presidents, the growth of the airline industry, medical advances beyond their imaginations, and men walking on the moon. Who would have believed in 1916 that people would watch television and videos, play games, text friends oceans away, listen to music, take high-resolution photos, track blood pressure, and find directions to the nearest restaurant with a telephone? And that telephone would fit in a pocket. Phenomenal!

While the women have seen amazing advancements, I wonder what disappointments, regrets, or deep sorrows they experienced? How did they face unexpected changes? What were their most satisfying achievements and what brought them great joy? Did they have dreams that were never fulfilled? What are their secrets for a long, healthy life? Do they have gems of wisdom to give us in helping others live to be 100 years old?

Researchers have interviewed many centenarians and report that several things contribute to people living long, vibrant lives: a positive attitude, diet, exercise, faith, clean living, a loving family, and genetics. We can do little about our genetics, but the other things are within our control.

None of us know how long we will live. The Psalmist David said, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16, NIV). This means that our Creator already knows the length of our time on this planet. We have not been promised a life without pain or sorry. The fact that we are widows attests to this. But we can determine to live every moment to its fullest. And we can resolve to do everything within our power to live healthy lives. Besides exercise, a good diet, loving relationships, and a positive attitude, a vibrant faith in a God who loves us and gave His Son for us is a good foundation for a fulfilled life.

I love the promise that God gave in Isaiah 46:4: “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

What a beautiful winter morning – cold and windy but sunny. The cardinals, chickadees, and finches are enjoying their breakfast at my three feeders. I thought of and then sang a song that I learned as a child:

All creatures of our God and King; Lift up your voice and with us sing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam; Thou silver moon with softer gleam!

O praise Him! O praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou rushing wind that art so strong; Ye clouds that sail in Heaven along,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou rising moon, in praise rejoice; Ye lights of evening, find a voice!

O praise Him! O praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou flowing water, pure and clear; Make music for thy Lord to hear,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou fire so masterful and bright, That givest man both warmth and light.

O praise Him! O praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Dear mother earth, who day by day; Unfoldest blessings on our way,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
The flowers and fruits that in thee grow; Let them His glory also show.

O praise Him! O praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

And all ye men of tender heart; Forgiving others, take your part,
O sing ye! Alleluia!
Ye who long pain and sorrow bear; Praise God and on Him cast your care!

O praise Him! O praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Let all things their Creator bless; And worship Him in humbleness,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son; And praise the Spirit, Three in One!

O praise Him! O praise Him! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Recently I learned that singing is a great brain and physical boost. Researchers found that singing lowers stress levels, improves immunity and mood, reduces tension, and may even help to improve memory. Singing in a choir or with friends helps to build self-esteem and even allays loneliness. Amazing! No wonder the birds sing.

In others studies, researchers found that just listening to music can ease pain, decrease recovery time following surgery, be a motivator in exercise, improve quality of sleep, increase blood flow in the body, reduce stress, improve cognitive ability and mood, and decrease depression.

With all the stress in our lives, we need to take advantage of every bit of help. So, I’ve decided to sing more. It may not be beautiful, but it will be beneficial.

It’s hard to believe that it’s mid-January already. Most of us have set goals for the New Year and even have failed already to fulfill a few of them. In a blink of the eye, we’ll be facing December 2016 and wondering where the year has gone.

Recently I listened to a short video about 89-year-old Sarah laughing when the angel told Abraham, her husband, that within a year she would bear a child. Sarah’s laugh probably meant that she didn’t think it was possible. She laughed because her dream of motherhood seemed far beyond her reach at this point in her life. She had been unable to conceive a child in all the years of their marriage. And of course, as far we know, a woman of this age had never had a child.

If an angel visited me with such a declaration, I would not laugh. I would scream, probably cry a lot, declare it wasn’t possible, and say that the angel was supposed to visit a different person, certainly not me. But having a child is not my dream. I do have things in my life that I would like to see accomplished that look almost impossible. Would I react like Sarah if someone said that my dream would be fulfilled within a year? Probably so. God has, however, fulfilled dreams in my life.

About 12 years ago when websites became somewhat popular, a friend and I began talking about a website dedicated to widows. We expressed our desires to several people whom we thought could help, but nothing ever materialized. It seemed absolutely impossible. About two years ago, another widow asked me, “What has God put in your heart to do?” When I shared my dream, she challenged me to take the necessary steps to fulfill that desire. With fear – yes, fear – not knowing if it was even possible, God helped me to begin. Now you have found WalkingForward. Every time you access this website, you share my dream. It hasn’t always been easy and much is left to be done, but I am laughing, even saying, “How was this possible?”

Have your life-long dreams seemed so far fetched that you’ve given up on the possibility? Maybe you have a new desire that seems impossible. Would you like to go back to school? Would you like to change jobs? Would you like to visit a friend who lives far away? Would you like to move closer to your children? In each and every circumstance – whatever your dream – God is able to help you with the necessary steps as you reach out to Him for wisdom and help.

I’m often reminded of Proverbs 31:26, which gives a description of a woman of noble character: “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” I trust that your laughter is because you believe that with God’s help, all things are possible.

A friend whose husband died about eight months ago became tearful in the grocery store last week as she heard a familiar song that had no significance to her before.

          I’ll have a blue Christmas without you.
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you.
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree,
Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me.

 “Why do they play songs like that?” she moaned. Psychologists say that music brings comfort and joy, but widows find no solace in this Christmas song, whether it’s Elvis’ smooth, southern voice or the classical sound of Andrea Bocelli.

The holiday season is difficult for every widow, regardless of whether she has been without her spouse for a few months or many years. The memories of past Thanksgivings or Christmases and those special moments of sharing often cloud even the best days. Knowing that nothing will ever be the same, we become melancholy and even isolate ourselves.

Those wonderful events will always be part of our memory banks, and we certainly don’t want to forget them. But, instead of counting them as losses, we can consider them as privileges that we were given for a short time. As we determine to be grateful for the days we spent with our spouses, our thinking changes and our losses become gains. We stop saying, “That will never happen again,” and we become thankful for those good times. Our outlook changes from negative to positive. Solomon, that very wise man, said, “A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22, NIV).

We also can be resolved to make new memories. A widow friend determined that she was going to bless others who were having difficulty this Christmastime. Within the past few weeks, she and another friend have secretly decorated the outside of two struggling women’s homes. Their efforts brought joy to everyone involved. When we share our lives with others – whether it’s hosting a tea, preparing a meal for a sick friend, taking gifts to someone in need, or going shopping with another widow, we benefit from the experience and establish new memories.

The dynamics of the holiday season will never be the same as those we experienced in the past. But each Christmas can be filled with joy and purpose because of Jesus Christ. He is the One who helps us turn our losses into gains and gives us a heart that reaches out to others.

The news of the past few weeks has shocked and even frightened many of us. We watched with sadness at the television footage of the massacre in Paris, which bought back the painful memories of 9-11. Like many others, I wondered if a major terror incident was imminent in the United States. Then we witnessed the shootings in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and wondered how anyone could think that killing people at an abortion clinic would solve anything.

Yesterday I sat glued to the television as the commentator talked about the ongoing tragedy in San Bernardino, California, and also learned of four other killings in Georgia. Later that evening, a widow friend told me she was propositioned in broad daylight at a Cosco parking lot. I was reminded of several Scriptures that seemed to sum up the daily onslaught of discouraging news.

The apostle Paul told Timothy, “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. ² For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, ⁴ treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.” I also thought of the first part of Isaiah 60:2, “For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples …” The King James Version labels it “gross darkness.”

What are we supposed to do? As widows we are alone and often feel powerless in difficult situations. And I must admit that I have a tendency to worry. How do I, how do we, face today’s challenges? In times likes these, I’m so glad God’s Word gives us some insight.

In both the Old and New Testaments, God told people they were not to be fearful when confronting trouble. Joshua is only one of many examples. When he assumed leadership of the Israelites, he was told to be “strong and courageous and do not be terrified or discouraged” (Joshua 1:9). And there was a reason! “For the Lord your God is with you.” Also the Psalmist David often declared that he was not afraid because God was at his side.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us not to worry (Matthew 6:25-34). The apostle Paul said, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:6-7).

One of my favorite Scripture verses is James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” What a wonderful promise for widows! Throughout the day, we can say, “Lord, I need your help in this situation. Give me wisdom and help me not to worry. Help me to trust you in this conflict.”

With God’s help, we can face even today’s great challenges with peace knowing that He hears our every prayer and is with us.

Changes, Changes, and More Changes

We couldn’t ask for a more beautiful day in the Ozarks – 74 degrees with bright sunshine and a light breeze. But things are definitely changing. The leaves on my redbud trees have turned a variegated yellow and green; the large white hydrangeas are brown; and much of my garden is gone. Even the shadows on the privacy fence look different because the sun’s position in the sky has changed.

As widows, we’ve come through so many – even staggering – changes. A new widow and I talked of all the people that had to be contacted after her husband’s passing. The list seemed never to end for changes to address labels, bank accounts, credit cards, insurances, car ownership, Social Security. Even changes around us seem to magnify a widow’s sense of instability. The unsettled economy and disturbing world news tell us that other significant changes may be on the horizon. Is there anything that is stable in our lives?

If we believe the truth of John 3:16 (that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that we would not perish), we can say an absolute YES! Three of the Gospels record Jesus’ words: “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away” (Matt. 24:35, Mark 13:31, Luke 21:33). Did you notice the word never? This word, along with always and constantly, are generalizations that writers are not to use. But Jesus said that God’s Word remains true and constant, regardless of life circumstances. We can depend on His Word.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you,” Hebrews 13:5 repeats this same promise. When Jesus said “I am with you always to the very end of the age,” He used another generalization – always. As widows, we feel abandoned at times, but we can depend on God’s presence in our lives regardless of all the changes around us.

When the world around us seems to be crumbling and newscasters shake their heads wondering what will happen next, we can with confidence know that God’s Word will guide us and His Presence will bring comfort and joy through every storm.

Yom Kippur – September 22, 2015 (evening)

For the past two days, I’ve been refinishing a piece of furniture. Although the chest looks drastically different – even lovely, it will never be perfect because the imperfections are only covered. Many are in the wood and even in how the chest was built.

As I was painting this afternoon, I began to think about the Old Testament concept of repentance for sin since Yom Kippur begins at sundown. This most holy day in the Jewish calendar ends 10 days of introspection. Many devout Jews will spend the day in the synagogue, fasting and praying for the forgiveness of sins committed during this past year. Yom is the Hebrew word for day and Kippur is translated as atonement. Kippur literally means to physically cover over something, just as I painted the chest.

People in the Old Testament traveled to Jerusalem and observed the day through repentance and bringing a lamb to be sacrificed for their sins. God looked on the blood of that sacrificed animal, and sin was covered. It was temporary, and people continually offered sacrifices. The writer of Hebrews tells us that the blood of bulls and goats could never take away sin (Hebrews 10:1-4).

But through Christ death on the Cross, our sins can be forgiven and forgotten because Jesus became our sacrificial Lamb (I Peter 1:18-19, Hebrews 9:28). As we repent, our sins are not merely covered (2 Cor. 5:21; 1 John 1:7), they are washed away or “wiped out” (Acts 3:19).

As widows, we may have regrets or have wished we could have done things differently. Those actions or circumstances can never be changed. But through Christ, we can forgive ourselves, find freedom from guilt, and live in the joy of knowing that the Lord has forgiven us.

Today’s news is anything but hopeful. An 8.3 magnitude earthquake rocked Chile last evening; at least 10 massive fires continue to burn in California; the Middle East is a powder keg that could blow at any minute. Refugees from Syria are swarming the cities of Europe looking for safety, Christians are persecuted and maligned. And who would have believed 15 years ago that the U.S. debt would topple $18 trillion. Mind boggling! How is it possible to be joyful, content, at peace, and even hopeful with news like this?

Everything seems out of control. We’ve been taught that we can control our destiny, finances, careers, and even our emotions. But that certainly doesn’t seem to be true. It’s simply impossible to have joy and peace in a world rocking with pain. We cannot depend on our own inner strength or moral fortitude for comfort and strength. If, however, our Source of joy and peace is the God of this universe, we know that everything is in control. The world around us may be shaking, but we can have a peace that astounds the most ardent pessimist.

This peace is not like an ostrich that sticks its head in the sand, ignoring the circumstances. Our peace comes from knowing that God is with us even in our deepest sorrow and pain. As widows, we have proved Him faithful in great loss. The Lord has promised wisdom when we need it (James 1:5), and peace while walking an uncertain path (Psalm 119:165). He will be the protective “husband” (Psalm 68:5, Isaiah 54:4-5).

The apostle Paul said, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Cor. 48-9). Paul didn’t discount his difficult circumstances. Things were difficult and he acknowledged that. But he also realized that God had not left him powerless.

Through our relationship with a powerful God, we can say with the Psalmist, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear … (Psalm 46:1-11).

One of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Elliott, went to be with the Lord on June 15, 2015. She walked through the pain of losing two husbands and eloquently expressed her feelings through the grieving process in many of her writings. In her book, Loneliness, she labels loneliness and suffering “a wilderness experience” but also relates how God walked with her in every circumstance. During an interview, Elliott said, “People sometimes ask me, ‘How did you get rid of your feelings?’ I tell them I didn’t get rid of them. I offer them to God, and I have to offer them again, and again, and again.”

Our feelings–our emotions–are part of how God made us as humans. To deny them is to reject that part of us that responds to His love and also to the love of a marriage partner. Grief is a natural emotion in any loss, but especially when a spouse goes to be with the Lord. Part of the healing process is to acknowledge to God and even a close friend how we feel.

I’m often amazed at how freely people in Scripture expressed their emotions. In Numbers 11, Moses became so frustrated that he cried out to God, “What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of these people on me?” The Psalmist cried to the Lord because his “bones were in anguish” (Ps. 2), because he felt forsaken (Ps. 22), and because he was “lonely and afflicted” (Ps 25). Jesus expressed His feelings on the Cross when He said, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me” (Matt. 27:46).

Honestly expressing your feelings to God does not mark you as a less spiritual person. God already knows your thoughts and feelings. In expressing them and asking for His help, you are following the admonition of Scripture: “Cast all you anxiety on him because he cares for you” (I Peter 5:7). David said, “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Ps. 62:8).

In a healthy, trusting marriage, the husband and wife openly express their feelings without worry of condemnation. It’s part of developing intimacy. The same is true in a growing relationship with Christ. We can approach Him with confidence because He knows our weakness (Hebrews 4:15-16) and loves us unconditionally (I John 4:16).